Australiana

Questions asked of Australia by would be tourists, as posted on the official Australian Tourism Website. The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour and probably also have a low tolerance threshold for stupidity!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A:Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.

Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q:Which direction is north in Australia ? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)

A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is

Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)

A: Yes, but only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

A classic piece of Australian humour by Austen Tayshus from 1983

It does help to be Australian to really appreciate the localisms contained in the piece!

Sittin’ at home last Sunday mornin’ me mate Boomer rang
Said he was havin’ a few people around for a barbie,
Said he might Kookaburra or two.
I said, “Sounds great, will Wallaby there?”
He said “Yeah and Vegemite come too”.
So I said to the wife “Do you wanna Goanna?”
She said “I’ll go if Dingos”.
So I said “Wattle we do about Nulla?”
He said “Nullabors me to tears, leave him at home.”

We got to the party about two and walked straight out the kitchen to put some booze in the fridge.
And you wouldn’t believe it, there’s Boomer’s wife Warra sittin there tryin’ to Platypus!
Now, I don’t like to speak Illawarra, but I was shocked, I mean how much can a Koala bear?
So I grabbed a beer, flashed me Wangarratta and went out to join the party.
Pretty soon Ayers Rocks in and things really started jumpin’.
This Indian girl, Marsu, turns up, dying to go to the toilet but she couldn’t find it.
I said to me mate Al, “Hey, where can Marsupial?”
He said “She can go outback with the fellas, she’s probably seen a cockatoo”.

Well just then Warra comes out of the kitchen with a few drinks for everybody.
Fair dinkum, you’ve never seen a Coolabah maid.
I grabbed a beer and said “Thanks Warra – tah”.

A couple of Queenslanders at the party, one smellin’ pretty strongly of aftershave.
One of ’em sat down next to me and I turned to him and I said, “Ya know mate, Eureka Stockade!”

It was a really hot day; Oscar felt like a swim.
He said to Ina, “Do you want a have a dip in the Riverina?”
She said “I haven’t got my Kosiosko”.
Well Bo says, “Come in starkers, Wattle they care!”
Ina says “What, without so much as a Thredbo?”
Ah, Perisher thought!
Has Eucumbine in yet?

Well a few of the blokes decided to play some cricket.
Boomer says “Why doesn’t Wombat?”
“Yeah, and let Tenterfield”.
And he said I should have a bowl but I was too out of it to play cricket so I suggested a game of cards.
I said to Lyptus “Wanna game of Eucalyptus?”
He said “There’s no point mate, Darwins everytime.”

Well Bill said he’d like a smoke.
Nobody knew where the dope was stashed.
I said “I think Merinos.” But I was just spinning a bit of a yarn.
Barry pulls a joint out of his pocket.
Bill says “Great, Barrier Reefer, what is it mate?”
“Noosa Heads of course. Me mate Adelaide ’em on me.”
And it was a great joint too, Blue Mountains away and his Three Sisters.
Well I thought I’d roll one meself, I said “Chuck us the Tally Hobart”.
He said “They’re out on the Laun, Ceston, can you get em for us?”
Burnie says “Its okay mate, she’s apples, I’ll get em for ya”
Just then Alice Springs into action, starts to pack Billabong.
And you wouldn’t believe it, the bongs broken. I said “Lord Howe!”
“Hay-man” somebody says “Will a Didgeridoo?”
I said “Hummmmm mummmm mummmmm mummmmm maybe it’ll have ta.”

I look in the corner and there’s Bass sittin there, not getting into it, not getting out of it,
I said “What, is Bass Strait or somthin?”
Boomer says “As a matter a fact mate, he’s a cop” I said “Ya jokin’ mate, a cop,
I’m getting outta here, lets Goanna.” She said “No way, I’m hangin’ round till Gum leaves.
Besides, I dont wanna leave Jacaranda party on his own.
Have you seen him? I think he’s trying to crack on Toowoomba,
He’s already tried to Mount Isa And he’ll definitely try to lead you Australiana!”